Normally I am not the kind of person who's emotions totally get the best of them, but this week has been the exception. Tuesday I woke up when Patrick got out of the bed (and that is a little bit of a stretch because in order to "wake up" you must have slept). I laid there and listened to him shower. Cameron was curled up beside me, and I began to cry. I heard the shower turn off, and I wiped my tears and nose on the sleeve of my gown (I know, gross), and I pretended to be asleep while Patrick got dressed. When he kissed me goodbye, I broke down into tears. He gave me a squeeze, and then Cameron woke up and said "No cry Momma. No cry." which made me cry even more! I manage to suck it up long enough to make it to the bathroom. I look at the shower and then the tub and back to the shower. Time for some hydro-thearapy. I run a hot bath, and ease in hoping that when I pulled the drain that my terror would get sucked down with that little cyclone that shows up in the drain right before all of the water is gone - not so lucky.
My co-worker Adelle called as I was on the way to take Cameron to daycare because she was having some computer problems. "How are you this morning?" she asks in the super cheery voice. I just fall apart and sob. I am sure I totally freaked her out. I mean, we have only worked together for a few months, and there I am bawling my eyes out over the phone as Cameron sings "My Name is Stegosaurus" in the backseat. I park at daycare, help Adelle trouble shoot her computer, and then take Cameron into school. I set Cam down, give her a kiss and tell her I love her, and do my best not to make eye contact with any of her teachers. I bump into Phyllis (Cameron's teacher from 12 weeks until she moved up last week), and I start to cry. I just kept telling myself "GET IT TOGETHER ERIN!!" I make it to work and stay choked up most of the morning. Instead of lunch I went home and got BACK in the tub. I filled it so much that the only things sticking out were my nose and knees.
Wednesday I was drowned in work, which was nice because it gave me something else to think about during the day. I was working in Aiken, and I got back to Columbia around 4:30. I went by the house to see if Patrick was home. I knew that if he had gotten bad news he wouldn't have called me while I was on the road, but he would have come home from work. My heart raced as I pulled into my neighborhood, but when I saw an empty driveway, I was overjoyed. I changed out of my work clothes, returned my rental car, and headed across town for choir practice. I was so pleased with myself - I hadn't cried all day. Before practice our choir director asked if anyone had prayer requests and I well up with tears. I am a firm believer in the power of prayer. I think that the Quakers have a wonderful description of what prayer is - Holding one in the Light.
After practice, I drove home. I got home around 8:00. Patrick and Cameron were in our bed. Patrick was nearly asleep and Cameron was perched like a little bird on the end of our bed watching Dora the Explorer, and singing right along. Just from the look on his face, I could tell he hadn't heard anything. I gave him a kiss on the head, Cameron a squeeze, and asked him what that they eaten for dinner. - Pop Tarts. Normally he would have carried a butt cutting for that, but I just kind of laughed under my breath, and rolled with the punches. One night of a frosted strawberry with sprinkles dinner won't kill her :)
I was hoping for a nice long kid free bath to soak my back (which is full of knots and killing me), but no such luck. Cameron heard the bathwater turn on, and she lept off the bed like a gazelle. "Gee in bubble bath! Gee in tub peez!" Who could say no to "peez"? My nice relaxing bath turned into a splash fest. Oh well.
Normally I am a fall asleep when I hit the bed kind of person, but between worry and my back, I have had a hard time sleeping. After laying in bed for nearly 2 hours, I got up and took something to help me sleep, so I slept like a log which was nice.
One more night of waiting....
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Our journey has begun ... again
Husband, father, young, healthy, smart, funny, quite, athletic, and strong - These are just a few words that I would use to describe my husband. Cancer patient wasn't even an blip on the radar screen.
This is my story. The story of a young woman, mother of a toddler, and wife of a cancer survivor who is now fighting cancer again.
When Patrick was diagnosed with cancer the Tuesday after Memorial Day 2009 lots of people suggested I blog about it. Really? Our daughter Cameron was 17 months old, my job was in limbo, and I hardly had time to draw a deep breath. Blog? Who has the time or energy for that. If I sat down longer than 10 seconds, I would fall asleep. My life felt like it had been snatched to a screeching halt - CANCER!! WHAT??
After one of the longest weeks of my life waiting to get into to see the doctor, The oncologist in Columbia's first question was "Can you go to Texas?" That was Monday; we were in TX on Thursday. Our entire 2009 was spent fighting the intruder into our life known as an adenocarsinoma of the sinus. Trips back and forth to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston; hours in waiting rooms; praying my way through 8 hours of surgery; long nights "sleeping" in that uncomfortable chair in the ICU; watching Patrick leave to drive to TX to begin his radiation alone; listening to Cameron ask for her daddy, knowing that it would be weeks before we could be with him; sleeping alone knowing I would kill to stick my cold feet on him; the sheer elation of seeing him in the airport; the gut wrenching feeling as I watched him so tired that he could hardly hold his head up; nearly force feeding him when he didn't feel like eating.....the journey was long, difficult, and it put my whole world in perspective. He finished radiation treatment, and I drove Patrick, Cameron and me 20 hours home from Houston, and back into normal life...At least that is what I thought.
Monday, March 1st Patrick went to his Ear Nose and Throat (ENT) doctor for a regular 3 month check up and he said "I see something that looks abnormal. I'm going to do a biopsy. We will know in a couple of days."
All of you that know me will be able to picture this:
I swoop into the house after a long day of work and commence a monologue of my day and the excitement of Cameron successfully going to the potty THREE TIMES at daycare. Then Patrick gets the quick list of questions "What do you want for dinner?" "How was work?" "How was your doctor's appointment?" Then he gives me the news. I get hot all over and feel like I might throw up. I well up, and a few little traitorous tears escape from my eyes. I manage to keep it together long enough to get in the car to go pick up some dinner, and I wept all the way to Papa John's. I get in the house, feed Patrick and Cam some pizza, and I just look down.
The wait begins.....
This is my story. The story of a young woman, mother of a toddler, and wife of a cancer survivor who is now fighting cancer again.
When Patrick was diagnosed with cancer the Tuesday after Memorial Day 2009 lots of people suggested I blog about it. Really? Our daughter Cameron was 17 months old, my job was in limbo, and I hardly had time to draw a deep breath. Blog? Who has the time or energy for that. If I sat down longer than 10 seconds, I would fall asleep. My life felt like it had been snatched to a screeching halt - CANCER!! WHAT??
After one of the longest weeks of my life waiting to get into to see the doctor, The oncologist in Columbia's first question was "Can you go to Texas?" That was Monday; we were in TX on Thursday. Our entire 2009 was spent fighting the intruder into our life known as an adenocarsinoma of the sinus. Trips back and forth to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston; hours in waiting rooms; praying my way through 8 hours of surgery; long nights "sleeping" in that uncomfortable chair in the ICU; watching Patrick leave to drive to TX to begin his radiation alone; listening to Cameron ask for her daddy, knowing that it would be weeks before we could be with him; sleeping alone knowing I would kill to stick my cold feet on him; the sheer elation of seeing him in the airport; the gut wrenching feeling as I watched him so tired that he could hardly hold his head up; nearly force feeding him when he didn't feel like eating.....the journey was long, difficult, and it put my whole world in perspective. He finished radiation treatment, and I drove Patrick, Cameron and me 20 hours home from Houston, and back into normal life...At least that is what I thought.
Monday, March 1st Patrick went to his Ear Nose and Throat (ENT) doctor for a regular 3 month check up and he said "I see something that looks abnormal. I'm going to do a biopsy. We will know in a couple of days."
All of you that know me will be able to picture this:
I swoop into the house after a long day of work and commence a monologue of my day and the excitement of Cameron successfully going to the potty THREE TIMES at daycare. Then Patrick gets the quick list of questions "What do you want for dinner?" "How was work?" "How was your doctor's appointment?" Then he gives me the news. I get hot all over and feel like I might throw up. I well up, and a few little traitorous tears escape from my eyes. I manage to keep it together long enough to get in the car to go pick up some dinner, and I wept all the way to Papa John's. I get in the house, feed Patrick and Cam some pizza, and I just look down.
The wait begins.....
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